You know when you try to flip an omelette and get it out of the pan in one piece? You do your planning to make sure it happens the way you want it to but suddenly it doesn't work and comes out, well, not like a perfect omelette. How do you feel? Defeated? Peeved off? I tend to go with the word frustrated. That is what I've looked like on a couple of days, during this time. A week before New Zealand went into lockdown, my fertility doc had an exact plan made up for that cycle to make sure that this embryo would not only "stick" but would keep growing into the healthy baby we have wanted for several aching years. This never got to happen.
Like many Kiwi families that were awaiting public and privately funded treatments and procedures with FA, we had our cycle put on hold on the day I was supposed to have my first blood test... the day before our country went into lockdown. Now, we are human and are allowed to feel upset, people forget this. Although, we are very fortunate that we can restart our transfer cycle again without any financial strain due to public funding. But it is all still frustrating for us to go through.
It's frustrating going through another cycle of waiting for "Day 1" to begin.
It's frustrating seeing heaps of pregnancy announcements during lockdown.
It's frustrating putting your dreams on hold for a bit longer than you had hoped.
What a lot of people fail to see is that it is more waiting and longing. Don't get me wrong, I would rather wait for things to blow over and to go ahead at a time that my fertility doctor confirms is okay, but I still have to wait for another day one which is now another month. Have you ever had a dream that you want to put your entire energy into but suddenly you can't and it is out of your control? No one wants that.
Majority of this time period, I have managed to be distracted and not dwelling on my thoughts, however, I've had those days questioning if I missed my shot even though it wasn't my choice - of course, I am far from missing that shot. You're allowed feel those down days but you must not let them manifest. It is a prettier picture once all the feelings are let out and not cooped up to fester. I feel free from those feelings now. I can take a deep breath in and out and smile. I can let the universe run its course and wait just a tiny bit longer. The wait will all be worth it.
"Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be" xx
